I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
