It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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