The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches