All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone came in the potted fern
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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