Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
