im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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