Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
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I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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