Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
