I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
