first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
