Don't make out with my wife yet
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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