; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
