How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
