chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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