but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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