Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
