Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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