the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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