so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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