its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
