i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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