But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
that's an acceptable place to lick
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
