kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
