my mouth tastes like poor choices
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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