John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
