I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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