Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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