I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
