after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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