she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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