I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
