i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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