I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
