I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
