while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
