Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
