Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Found your dick twin last night
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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