Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
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there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
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We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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