I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
