God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
