my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
