Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My bed smells like the plague
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
