and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
