yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
