based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i out mim tonsoeep
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
