I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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