grandma shit on top of the toilet
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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