Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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