I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
