I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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