mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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