Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
