Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
