I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
