I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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