dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
