Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
