if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
