were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
