No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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