its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Randomize
