My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
