Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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